Building better parent-son relationships with mindful communication

It has always been said that good communication is key to a loving and respectful family relationship. But how does a parent effectively communicate with kids who are now in their teens?

Last March 18, 2023, Ateneo de Manila Junior High School Grade 8 boys and their parents participated in the batch event dubbed, “Filling Your Family Love-Tank with MindFULL Communication.” The event was held at the AJHS Covered Courts and facilitated by the Ruben M Tanseco SJ Center for Family Ministries (RMT-CEFAM) Parenting Hub.

Several activities were prepared for the parents and the students. The parents stayed in the covered courts and listened to the talk, “Building Mindful Connections at Home,” which was given by husband and wife Herald and Millie Cruz. As defined, mindfulness is “a process of purposely bringing one’s attention to what’s happening in the present moment, without judgment.” And so, the speakers began by illustrating the context and environment of pre-teens and middle-teens (12 to 16 years old), and the parents who are now in the midlife stage. During the group sharing, many parents were relieved to discover that they shared common experiences with one another.

The most important part was the discussion on mindful communication, which recommended that we parents “listen and speak with compassion, kindness, and awareness.” Helpful tips were also given to parents on how to practice mindful communication with adolescents at home. 

The boys, on the other hand, were grouped into four different tribes (red, blue, green, and yellow) and then played a survival game on the High School (HS) Football Field. Each tribe had to defend and protect its members from being captured and their “towers” from being invaded. An invasion is achieved when the invading tribe’s assigned colored balls are shot into the basket of the opponent’s towers.

Every tribe member had a blue ribbon tied to his waist, which served as his lifeline. Once an opponent pulls this ribbon off, it signifies that the tribe member has been captured. Because the mechanics changed in every round, the game was a true test of strategy and skill.

The boys had fun even though they were playing under the heat of the sun as they fought for their tribe’s survival.

After the games, a small group processing was conducted by the facilitators. This was then followed by the large group processing at the HS Cafeteria led by Danny Dy, Cluster Head of the RMT-CEFAM Parenting Hub.  

The event highlight was the “Parents and Sons Safe Space.” This was a letter-writing and sharing activity for both groups in which they applied what they had learned about mindful communication.

The boys then joined their parents in the covered courts, the atmosphere becoming quite emotional when the letters were read and the love between parent and child was affirmed.

This was followed by the Pray Over Rite of Fr. Bert Ampil SJ, director of the office of Parent Relations and Programs (PREP). During the rite, Fr. Bert quoted a song by Frank Sinatra:

“Speak your love to those who seek your love,

Look to your heart, your heart will know what to say,

Look to your heart today.”

To cap the event, the parents were advised to have a lunch date at their son’s choice of restaurant. No judgment if it is always the same restaurant. 😀 The event was truly life-affirming and vital for those who are constantly trying to build better parent-son relationships.

The key takeaways for me were the tips on mindful communication, which are very timely and helpful for me as a parent. The words “without judgment” struck me most and were a reality check and a reminder that my teenage son and I are from different generations whose experienced realities are very different. I need to listen to him more and understand what he is going through now that he is starting to form his identity and moving towards independence. I do admit that it is difficult to be patient and to let go at times (most parents probably feel this way), but I hope that, as seen in our photo below, my son will remember that he can lean on me anytime and that he always has my love and support.