From hope to home

The first time I ever stepped foot at the Church of the Gesù was in 2020, when I visited during the Open House for Incoming Freshmen. I had actually seen the church from the outside on an earlier trip, but it was closed back then, so the second sighting remains to be my highlight. I remember looking at the interior of the place, kneeling down, and beginning to pray. After a while, I noticed dampness on my cheeks, and I realized that I had unconsciously been crying. I guess, at that point, the Gesù was more than just a random church visit– it felt like a clear indication that I was slowly piecing my life back together. For context, I was at a particularly rough patch, with my dad passing away a few months prior. Unsurprisingly, I spiraled down to a very dark path and mindset that made it seem as if there was no point to anything. When I got accepted into the Ateneo with a scholarship, however, I felt optimistic for the first time in months. But I knew that what would really solidify this were the actual moments where dreams started coming alive: the plane rides, the peaceful mornings on campus, and the documents that clearly stated how I had the chance to pursue my education in one of the premiere universities in the country. To many people, this would not seem like a big deal, but to a girl who once lost all hope, those few minutes of prayer in the Gesù represented the ultimate redemption. 

Of course, these dreams were halted by the pandemic, and I had to take the first two years of college online. While that particular chapter was filled with deep yearning, it also held so much hope for the time when I could step foot on campus. Thankfully, this finally came true in junior year. As someone who came from Cebu, I had to transition to a life in a whole different region after the lockdown restrictions eased up. I found myself residing in the University Dormitory, right at the heart of campus. It truly was an exciting experience, and I relished in the new friends, new routines, and new favorites. But here's the harsh truth about pursuing something miles away from home: the glitz and glamor of a new city can easily be replaced by the longing for familiarity. Unfortunately, no one warned me about this, so I inevitably fell into a bout of homesickness. That’s where the dorm’s close proximity to the Church of the Gesù comes in.

I passed by the church as often as I could as it allowed me to bask in my own presence with no external distraction, which I usually need when my worship playlist isn’t enough to keep me grounded. Every time I sat there or knelt on the pews to pray; I would think to myself that the mere fact that it is even possible is a testament to how amazing He is. This brought out an urge to serve the church and do something that could somehow show my gratitude for such a big blessing. I eventually found a greater calling in becoming a volunteer reader for the Dorm Community Mass. I started looking forward to 6:00 PM masses more when I would be tasked to participate in any part of the Liturgy. I cherished every moment of reading at the lectern, as well as meeting the others assigned on that day. On some instances, the songs played were those that reminded me of my childhood, like when I hear the first few notes of “I Will Sing Forever” at the final hymn. There are even certain times when the “Our Father” is sung in the Cebuano version, which really gets me giddy. Amidst the struggles of living alone and the academic burden of college, I was consoled by the shared experience of the dorm community in these masses, especially when the homilies hit a little too close to home. After some time, I learned to find reassurance in this one constant in my weekly routine. 

It's been a year since all that began and though I am currently living off-campus, I still fulfill my promise of attending mass at the Gesù. I may no longer be an actual dormer in the university’s residence halls, but I kept my role as a volunteer because the sense of comfort it brought me was worth all the effort it took. This is why I hold the Dorm Mass Volunteers (DMV) and Gesù so close to my heart. It allowed me to find a tangible place where I can root myself, and an avenue to perceive an image of hope. While years have passed since my first ever visit, what stays firm is the fact that this dwelling– and the community that comes with it– has become my anchor. I was constantly reassured that I had a safe space for when I needed time for myself, or with other people. I may be leaving Ateneo soon as I am set to graduate this school year, but I’d like to believe that even when I am no longer a college student missing my family from miles away, this church will still be a staple in my life. Who knows where I will be years from now, the same way I had no idea where fate would take me back in 2020. However, I am quite convinced that no matter the confusion or the certainty, the failure or the victory– the Gesù will always be there to welcome me home. 

By: Hannaniña Marie T. Mantos

4 AB Diplomacy and International Relations